Preparing for sex with a new partner can feel like preparing for war.
Honestly, there are few moments in life when men feel that same intense feeling of dread. I’ve seen men getting ready for a date with a woman with their hands shaking and ready to puke like they’re about to storm the beaches of Normandy.
They even go through the same processes…
They psyche themselves up to embrace their courage. They try to strategize the tactics they’ll need to be their most effective in battle. And then they consider an escape plan for when things go wrong.
But that will never make you eager to jump in bed with someone! That pressure just stresses you out and causes massive performance anxiety.
Who wants to start off their romps like that?
Luckily, I want to show you that your concerns are largely unfounded. The path to everyone having a great time in bed is simpler than you think.
It’s about stripping away all the bullshit of what women are expecting from you.
Here are 6 truths to overcome your sexual performance anxiety with new women.
Women aren’t expecting your best
You might feel the pressure to give women some mind-blowing experience the first time they have sex with you. The reality is that no woman assumes that will be the case. Women understand that when two people are exploring intimacy together, it takes time to align.
They know you both will be more anxious. They know things may be a little clumsy to start. In fact, sometimes a bit of awkwardness is a great way to laugh and take the seriousness out of the room.
Women know this is a process where you two will uncover what you enjoy. And that you will have to build the right communication patterns together.
So if a woman likes you, she will be patient because she knows the best sex is yet to come.
They can’t sense your inexperience
If you haven’t had much sexual experience, you’re probably worried that women will somehow pick up on it.
But women aren’t mind-readers and honestly, there isn’t much physical difference between an experienced man vs. an inexperienced one. It’s still putting your penis in and out of a vagina. If you go a little slower, a little faster, deeper, shallower, it’s not going to make you stand out as a noob.
It’s not like she’s thinking, “Wow, this guy thrusts like an amateur!”
The only way a woman is likely to know you’re inexperienced is if you tell her or constantly apologize for your performance. If you just do your thing, however it may be, she’ll just think it’s part of the normal discovery process.
You don’t need to make them orgasm
Porn really messes with our perception of women’s sexual experiences. If you watch enough of it, you might believe that women are supposed to have toe-curling, eye-rolling, guttural-screaming multiple orgasms.
Really, many women struggle to orgasm during sex. Or they don’t orgasm every single time. And this is especially true when it’s with new partners. Again, we all have a higher level of anxiety, uncertainty, and are focused on figuring each other out — which makes it harder to come.
More importantly, women don’t need to orgasm to have incredible sexual experiences. So much of their pleasure is about the vibe, your closeness, your eye contact, and the feelings you share.
Finally, women have so many more nerve endings down there than you do. Sex feels incredible the whole time and the orgasm is just a nice bonus, unlike with men where a lot of the pleasure is during those final moments.
If you struggle to stay up, women usually think it’s on them
No one wants to show up to the batting plate with a wet noodle. But the pressure to stay hard causes anxiety and keeps you soft.
When you’re feeling anxious, it’s almost impossible to feel aroused as well. We can only hold one strong emotion at a time. So let me provide some relief:
If for some reason you don’t stay hard, women usually assume it’s something about them or the circumstances. They’re more concerned if they’re hot enough or if you’re enjoying yourself. They’re not thinking, “This guy can’t get it up, what’s his problem?”
I’m not saying you should mislead women or put the blame on them. Rather, if you just let them know, “Hey no stress, not sure what’s going on, but I’m having a great time with you regardless.” then they can still have fun, too.
Remember, the entire experience for women is about so much more than penetration or the orgasm.
And as a reminder…
If you can’t use your member, you’ve always got your hands (or tongue)
Your junk ain’t working? Guess what? You’re in luck! Your other appendages are always good to go and they feel amazing to women.
Let’s imagine you’re struggling to get it up. If you don’t make it a big deal then she won’t see it as one. Remove the pressure to keep trying and instead offer to please her for a while. Vice versa, you can also ask her to touch and play with you, too.
If you’ve never just made out, messed around, laughed, and ran your hands all over each other with a new woman — you should absolutely try it. It’s a ton of fun and helps reinforce that it’s not always about the end goal but the journey.
Funnily enough, when you lose yourself with a woman like this, that freedom paves the way for more arousal. So many times I’ve talked to men who stopped trying to penetrate a woman, fooled around for a while, and then found themselves ready to rock and roll.
Women are most concerned with your enjoyment
Like I said, women aren’t expecting you to knock their socks off from the get go. I think so many guys imagine women going through a 10-point checklist of their performance during sex.
They envision that girl moving down the list: “doesn’t thrust deep enough”, “too quiet”, “sweating too much”. Or they imagine a woman actively comparing them to other men in the moment.
The reality is, they are just as concerned about providing you with a good experience as you are with them. (At least someone who gives a shit about your enjoyment is.) And if not, that’s not someone you should worry about connecting with further.
Their checklist is more like, “Is he turned on?”, “How do my stretch marks look?”, “Does this position look flattering?”, “How do I smell down there?”, or “Do I look chubby like this?”
So instead of focusing on your technique and stamina, connect to the moment. Feel the physical sensations, listen to her sexy voice, and explore the positions or ideas that excite you deeply. These are all things that are easily within your control.
Let yourself feel the softness of her skin. Relish in how good her vagina feels or how her hands feel like silk wrapping your dick. Let her soft moans run down your spine and travel through your core. Look her in the eyes while you enter her. Don’t hold back — let the sensation of moving in and out of her run through you and make you moan in ecstasy.
If she can see you’re having fun, she’ll feel the same way. And she’ll leave the experience with only positive associations.
In reality, having sex with a new partner is not like war at all. If anything, it’s like your first dance together.
It’s about exploration, feeling the vibe, and slowly getting in rhythm with each other. New sexual experiences are supposed to feel fun, not fatal.
It is not a do or die situation. It does not demand perfection. And if you mess up, you will have many more chances to fight again.
The best thing you can do is lower the expectations for yourself. Because honestly, that’s all women want from you, too.
Now this isn’t to diminish real ongoing issues like finishing too quickly. If you’ve struggled with premature ejaculation, I know that can be a huge source of sexual performance anxiety. And it’s not easily resolved with a few words in a blog post.
That’s why I’m excited to announce Love Longer, a new video course from my sex coach at Reconnected, Keeley Rankin. It’s a step-by-step master class to delay your orgasm, be a better lover, and enjoy anxiety-free sex.
Ready to gain more control over your performance? Start lasting longer now.